I awoke this morning and my woman told me the front yard had a Mohawk. I was like...WTF are you talking about. I mowed it yesterday, late afternoon, and the sun was in my eyes. I missed a strip in the middle. I like it and I'm gonna leave it. Hell, I might even dye it.

It is what it it is.

My former boss, who is a friend, came by the other day for some afternoon beverages on the Stretchengeti. He told me I was "Unmanageable" and compared me to Glen Beck...he added...I was relentless, intense, and would "just" not let up on matters I believe to be true. He also added that I would not tell anyone what I think it is they they want to hear. He also said that I research my arguments.

Well...right, wrong, or indifferent, I guess, I'll take that as a compliment.

...a comparison.

But, do you know who gave Hitler his power?

Clerks, Bookkeepers, and Civil Servants.

That is a fact.

I hereby challenge Obama to a game of chess. Stakes will be determined before colors are chosen.

I can beat him, and I'm not that good, but I do know how to think ahead, and he doesn't.

If I were you, I'd put your money on me.

Just sayin'

I'm going to do this...I kid you not.

...it is said the llama agrees with your club choice by stomping on the ground...

This will be interesting.

Here's a couple of Fall 09 college courses I think everyone should take.

Philosophy of Star Trek

At Georgetown University, you can learn philosophy through the lens of Star Trek for $4,827.

"Star Trek is very philosophical," the course description reads. "What better way, then, to learn philosophy, than to watch Star Trek, read philosophy, and hash it all out in class? That's the plan."

A couple of the questions to be considered are:

I. Is time travel possible? Could we go back and kill our grandmothers? What is the nature of time?
II. Could reality be radically different from what "we" (I?) think? Could we be brains in vats?"

Source: AP/Paramount Television

Hashed out is correct! For almost five grand, do I get to ride in a space ship while I philosophize.

Tree Climbing

At Cornell University, you can fulfill your physical education requirement by taking tree climbing for $700.

"Students are excited," said Professor Mark Holton, who teaches the class. "We have never offered a tree climbing class that has not filled to capacity. We learn how to climb into large trees -- ones where you cannot reach the first branch. We also teach how to move around, go from tree to tree, and come back down safely using ropes and harnesses and various kinds of tree climbing tools."

Holton said Cornell requires physical education, and many students prefer his tree-climbing course to alternatives including bowling or skeet shooting.

"The highlight of our local class is an overnight in the trees," he said. "We also go to Costa Rica for climbing in the jungle."

Damn, I taught myself to climb trees at four or five years of age. By ten, I was an expert. Have I ever spent the night in a tree? Hell yes I have...the people chasing me never thought to look up.

Do you think 700 bucks to Costa Rica is all inclusive?

More of 'em here

This BOHIC Van Jones idiot and Obama, who appointed him, are FUBAR. What a SNAFU...should be SNNAFU or SNAFUBAR.

Jones needs to go (NTG).

Damn, WTF are people thinking?

I need some more acronyms...leave 'em in the comments.

AMF - Adios Mother Fucker
AMFYOYO - Adios Mother Fucker, You're On Your Own (from urbandictionary.com: "Informal medical acronym used to describe belligerent patients who argue and refuse treatment.")
AMFOTDYOYO - Adios Mother Fucker, Out The Door, You're On Your Own (from urbandictionary.com: "Similar to, but more complete than AMF YOYO")
BOHICA - Bend Over Here It Comes Again
BOHIC - Bend Over Here It Comes
DILLIGAS - Do I Look Like I Give A Shit
DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck
DILLIGAFF - Do I Look Like I Give A Flying Fuck
FIDO - Fuck It-Drive On
FISHDO (FISHiDO) - Fuck It, Shit Happens - Drive On
FIFI - Fuck It-Fly It
FIIGO - Fuck It, I've Got Orders
FNG - Fucking New Guy (used for all new people in a squad.)
FUBAB - Fucked Up Beyond All Belief
FUBB - Fucked Up Beyond Belief
FUBISO - Fuck You Buddy, I'm Shipping Out
FUMTU - Fucked Up More Than Usual
JAFO - Just Another Fucking Observer (guy who sits in the back of the vehicle)
JANFU - Joint Army-Navy Fuck Up
KMACYOYO - Kiss My Ass Colonel, You're On Your Own
LLMF - Lost Like a Mother Fucker
SNAFU - Situation Normal: All Fucked Up
SNAFUBAR - Situation Normal: All Fucked Up Beyond All Repair/Recognition/Reason
SOL - Shit Out of Luck
FUUSAB - Fucked Up Until Space And Beyond
REMF - Rear Echelon Mother Fucker
SRDH - Shit Rolls Down Hill
SSDD - Same Shit, Different Day
SUSFU - Situation Unchanged, Still Fucked Up
TARFU - Things Are Really Fucked Up, or Totally and Royally Fucked Up
TAUFU - Totally And Utterly Fucked Up
CF - Charlie Foxtrot - From the phonetic alphabet letters C and F, meaning Cluster Fuck
IHELP - I've had enough of life pill.
NFG - No Fucking Good (Non-Functioning Gear)
WTF - What the Fuck? - Spoke using the military phonetic alphabet as "whiskey, tango, foxtrot", often used as a rhetorical question.

Drawn by John Cox...great analogy.

"...Repossessing a giant, gleaming multimillion dollar plane is kind of like courting a beautiful woman. Sometimes the chase is better than the catch."

Tip of the hat to Neptunus Lex

A friend of mine has a Dachshund about the size of Stretch...a little larger...18 lbs. Stretch is in perfect shape, but he is still a small dog.

The other night, my friends Dachshund was taken by an Owl....big ass Owl. He (the dog) was outside doing his business. The Dachshund was too large for the Owl to fly away with, so it clawed and pecked it to death...tried to eat him on the ground.

You never know. I've seen red-tailed hawks stalking, but never an owl...I guess because it was dark.

That is some bad juju.

"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it."

-- Barack Obama

"Life's tough.....it's even tougher if you're stupid."

-- John Wayne

I was cleaning out some drawers and found these old photos. Scanned 'em.

This is a shot I took of the USS Cincinnati, SSN693, a Los Angeles class, nuclear-powered fast attack submarine.

Back in the mid eighties I had some extra folding money (big bonus), so I decided to take my mother and my aunt down to St. Croix for a little Cruzan Confusion. I was going to stay a month...I was going to have them down for a week, and then send them to San Juan to do a little casino work...do a week solo...and spend the last two weeks with some friends who were coming down. I'm damn lucky I survived that one.

Anyway, I had a great time with my mom and my aunt...amazing how much fun one can have with sisters. They could piss with the big dogs...I kid you not.

When my solo week arrived, I realized I didn't have anything to read. Their ain't no bookstores on St. Croix, so I went to the airport (if you can call it that) to see if they had any books. Slim pickings I tell you. I found an old copy of Clancy's "The Hunt For Red October", which I'd read before...but hey, a good book is worth reading more than once.

I'm on the west side of the island, on a beach in Frederiksted, reading my book, having a rum punch and a little crab salad, and just basically kicking back. Sweet. I look west over the ocean and I couldn't believe my eyes. A fucking submarine surfaced offshore right in front of me. Frederiksted (west side of the island) is the deep water port. Damn...I pack up my shit and head on over to where they were slinking it up. It was a big deal...they had M-16 armed sailors standing guard, but they did allow me to walk the hull...wouldn't let me go below. I didn't know at the time, but the skin of a submarine is like rubber goo...not slick at all...you can almost walk down to the waterline...almost vertical. I got up with some of the crew that night, and we got way toe up. These guys hadn't had any booze, or a woman, in a long time. They did not believe in sleep...total full throttle...they didn't want to miss anything...and if I can recall, they didn't. It was an interesting night.

This is my first hot air balloon ride. We had to crash through some trees to "bleed some speed" in order to put that fucker down. There was wood flying everywhere. That was one hell of a ride.

I swear...I don't know how he does it, but he got another one this afternoon. I guess he's figured it out...he waits until the distance is shorter between him and the squirrel, and the closest tree. He stalks those fuckers. They don't see him coming. Even after some major spinal cord surgery, he is relentless. It is unusual for dogs, any lone dog for that matter, to catch a squirrel. What is more amazing is how he dispatches it once he gets it. It must be in his genes. He snaps the back right from the get-go.

I've seen a million dogs chase squirrels and come up empty-handed, but my dog Stretch is a thinker...he has got it figured out. Never believe a dachshund is a small foo foo dog...they might be the smallest of hounds, but they are tenacious.

I've got to get a film of him in action...you would not believe it.

I need to change my name to Marlin Perkins.

...and my hand is sore.

I just put about 100 rounds through my 28-2 that I basically stole from the Blade

It is truly a big big bad bad ass ass ride.

I'm talking DOWNTOWN...

This wasn't there yesterday. It grew overnight in my backyard and is quite possibly the biggest mushroom I've ever seen. I must have some radioactivity going on.

Check it out.

One

Two

Three

Four

Damn thing looks like a Pizza.

I'm going to go hang out with a friend of mine.

She can be sensual or brutal...but above all...she can be true.

It is, what it is. Black and White.

This all started about a year ago when the Shovel Boy went a little ballistic.

You do not want to fuck with Eric when he's been drinking, or wakes up still drunk. Trust me on this. Danger...Danger

Elisson is responsible for taking and photoshopping this picture. Thank you.

From left to right...that would be those who were in danger of getting the shit beat out of 'em with a shovel, or shot, or stabbed.

It wasn't, "say cheese", but it was, "who fucked up my wife"

I was talking to a good friend of mine about stuff. I told her I had many fishing stories after she told me I should take up fishing as opposed to golf.

Fishing Story #1 is true. Pictures don't lie. Hell, they will all be true...trust me.

This is my brother, and my left arm.

My brother, well, his life revolves around the Smallmouth Bass. He is, and has been, addicted for as long as I can remember. If he catches a Largemouth, he throws it over his shoulder like it was a piece of shit, but if it is a non-keeper Smallmouth, he will submerge it and massage it's gills until he is sure that it will live for another day, and watch carefully as it swims away. I admire his passion.

This particular night was very interesting (the photograph was taken around dawn)...not only did we boat a 4.5, a 5.5, and 6.5 lb Smallmouths...we released about 30 more...of several different species. Fishing with my Bro is downtown.

He's got got the rig...knows his shit...and never abandons the chase. That son of a bitch can fucking snag some Smallmouth. Of course, one should never call their brother a "son of a bitch",, but I have no class whatsoever.

We also saw a Flying Saucer

I'm just sayin"

Did you know in North Carolina you can get a permit to carry a Concealed Crossbow? I'm going to need a bigger overcoat.

Legal Overview: Right-To-Carry Law Type: Shall Issue The North Carolina General Assembly enacted a concealed handgun law that allows qualifying citizens of North Carolina the opportunity to obtain a permit to carry a concealed handgun. This law became effective on December 1,1995, and requires that the permit be secured from the sheriff of the permittee's county of residence. Once issued, the permit is valid throughout the state for a period of five years, unless it has been revoked. Crossbows are also considered in this section of the law and must have permits

This looks like something I saw when I was dating Alice back in the late 60's early 70's. As a matter of fact, I think Dean is tie dyed.

Hit refresh often.

I've bungee jumped several times, but I've never done the Slingshot...but I would...in a heartbeat.

Since Helen doesn't like fireworks...what say we rig one of these up instead?

I swear there will be a rocket or two.

Ripped this from KeesKennis

My good friend Yabu has moved in. The only thing he doesn't do is talk about women like they're a piece of meat. Aside from that...anything goes. Trust me on this. He is shameless, but he does open doors.

He will hike up your skirt a little more.

After all, what are friends for?

Well folks...this is round one. I went down to Christina's Crib and was subjected to the following:

You can't make this shit up.

I swear to the Maker.

I give you the Baboon Pirate.

Quiet and true...when it comes to Poker

We even had an over made up tart...

...and a parrot

Ain't nothing like wrapping a dove or several

We cooked this fucker all day so we could have Smoked Pig omelette's the next morning. How cool is that?

I do loves me a hot-ass Slang Eye Sorry Dash...anyone gives her a problem...I'll kill 'em real slow.

Everyone earns their keep

This is the sweetest blue eyed Mexican I've ever seen. I was down on my knees in pain. I kid you not!

Always good to see my good friend and her Boy who...by the way...is Downtown.

I have no idea who this is...but it is a nice hat...Bwahahahahahah!!!

Grillboy got his ass kicked by his own daughter playing poker. More on that later.

The number one Twink Anyone messes with her...I'll kill you...

Anyone messes with Twink Minus, I'll double kill you.

My buddy Zonk can run under water

Here's another reason I love this knife

As you can see...I stand by my friends.

More later.

You've got to be kidding me.

My friend, The Baboon Pirate, linked a really really old post of mine (Call The Ball) when he was talking about too much water. I asked him how in the hell he found that blurb.

Google.

I had no idea I was the #2 search result on Google for call the ball

That just ain't right...but it is funny.

We need to call Al Gore...quick.

A hurricane hunter plane examined the swirling low-pressure system in the Atlantic Ocean that continued to show signs that it could form into a tropical storm early Wednesday.

"The plane is criss-crossing through the heart of the storm to see if it is taking on the tropical characteristics,"

The system was located about 150 miles east of Jacksonville.

Forecasters said Andrea has the warm center characteristic of tropical storms and Democrates but its core is not particularly well defined.

Eighteen tropical storms and four hurricanes have been recorded in May since 1851. The earliest hurricane to strike the U.S. was Alma in northwest Florida on June 9, 1966. Al Gore hit in 2000.

Private and university forecasters have predicted that the 2007 season that starts June 1 and ends Nov. 30 will be especially active, producing up to 17 tropical storms and hurricanes and a "well above average" possibility of at least one striking the U.S. The federal government plans to release its predictions May 22. We're fucked...Al Gore (the storm) is coming back.

The Atlantic basin has been in a busy period for hurricanes since 1995. Some federal democratic forecasters believe this is part of a natural cycle. But the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, a U.N.-sponsored group, says global warming caused by humans and Al Gore has led to an increase in stronger hurricanes.

The Inconvient Truth is: Al Fucking Gore is still making as ass of himself.

An artistic guess?

I give you the real Monkeyboy...Velociman...he does have a way with the ladies.

A long time ago, I was driving on the wrong side of the road. I took out a bunch of trees. Wood was flying everywhere. Got caught, almost. I could have been in some pretty deep shit, so I paid for 'em...the local authorities man looked the other way if you know what I mean. Took the cash.

I drove by there the other day...the damn trees are still gone...never replanted.

I want my money back.

Did you know,,,the Brier Patch is a region which most avoid?

The Brier Patch or Klach D'Kel Brakt, which is its original Klingon name, is a region in Sector 441 containing dangerous space matter including the remains of supernovae, false vacuum fluctuations, metaphasic radiation and at least two habitable planets, one of which is a Ba'ku settlement.

I didn't, but I do now.

Damn, I find this place warm and hospitable.

For all of you serious people...That was a joke.

Bwahahahahahah!!!!!

I must be missing something,,,

I found a Benji in the dryer.

I love my wife.

Ten Easy Steps to the birth of the solar system.

Note: this was the theory of planetary formation as it stood before the discovery of extrasolar planets. The discoveries don't match what the theory predicted. That could be an observational bias (odd solar systems may be easier to detect from Earth) or problems with the theory (probably with subtle points, not the basic outline.)

Hell...I knew that.

Today is a beautiful here in North Carolina. Cool, and almost crisp. I love this time of year.

The sheets are drying in the breeze, my wife is cool, my puppy is cool, the air is cool; we are going to build a fire, grill some wings and vegetables, and basically, just kick back.

Life is good.

I appreciate everyone who makes this possible for my family and me. I salute you.

But, when I receive a comment on a post I did on 05/28/04
Go fuck yourself----[[ bosnia rules]] -------------------------------------Allah Akbar

It pisses me off.

So, I say to Bosnian No1; you are a piece of shit, and if you willl come see me, I swear to God I will send your slimy ass to Allah in two pieces. I will cut you in half with my good friend Winchester.

Do not doubt me.

I will send you to paradise.

I was in my back yard today, when a fifteen-foot long, foot wide, branch (tree limb) fell from a hundred feet and exploded ten feet from me. I felt it. Stretch flew.

I never heard it until it hit the ground…right damn next to me.

I’m serious…it was so close that some of the remaining Pepper plants in my garden are done...gone…over.

Gives new meaning to “Lucky”.

The good news is: I’ve got some more firewood.

I’ll be back later when I can do the Helen Blodgmeet some justice, but in the meantime; I’m still laughing at the question I was asked by the nice lady staying in the room next to me. No way she could’ve gotten any sleep before four.

"Just exactly what are you folks doing?, she asked"

Velociman lost all his shit Friday night. Saturday morning, he yelled from below, "have you seen my…..?"

I replied…

"I’ve got your cowbell, your laptop, and the fucking monkey. Georgia has the bullwhip."

I kid you not!!!

"The host of a new Dutch talk show plans to take heroin and other illegal drugs on air in a program intended to reach young audiences on topics that touch their lives..."

This is sicker than sick.

I was talking to DAX today, when I said, �I gotta call you back man, there�s a uniformed policeman cop walking through my front yard.�

I open the door just as he was about to ring the bell. Stretch is all over him.

Me: �STRETCH!!!�

Me: �What?�hold on�let me snag him.�

I�m now holding my dog, and he is GROWLING like a MOFO. He is small, but fearless.

Cop: �Have you seen the shoes?�

Cop: �Report anything suspicious�

I live in a town with 42k people. I�m on a first name basis with the people who sack my groceries, for goodness sake. I drive slow, and wave to everyone�they wave back. This is fucking Mayberry.

Anyway, the Cop walks up the road to where someone is building a house, and talks to the workers. As he is returning to his car, and as I�m taking pictures of the shoes, he said:

�I�ve got to get out of this heat�

I shit you not�I could not make this up.

Right, wrong, or indifferent, I’m known at the Vet’s as Mr. Stretch. That’s cool with me.

It could be a lot worse!!!

The Wreckyll in Jekyll is over...more on that later...I've got to stabilize my brain cells, or grow some more.

I called another blogger, whom I’ve met, and it definitely wasn’t him who answered the phone. I asked, “Who is this?” I thought I might have punched an incorrect number.

She replied, “I’m your worst nightmare.”

The 1st Quarter 2005 EMAIL AWARD goes to my buddy Catfish, for both content and volume.

I created a “laughing_catfish” folder in his honor.

That’s one list I like being on.

My puppy doesn’t, I hope.

We had a large fire roaring in the “backyard” yesterday, and my puppy got too close…singed ‘em off, he did.

They’ll grow back…I hope, right?

Meanwhile, he’s acting a little funny.

I think it’s a balance thing, not that he was ever balanced to begin with.

Or should I say “Fucking Root Canal” or “Root Fucking Canal”?

Either way, it was not pleasant. It was humiliating, and I’ll tell you why. First of all, I can’t believe I needed one, and secondly; does a root canal deem me as some sort of “inferior being”? Demeaning, it is.

I’m injected with the “cane”, and I can’t feel shit…nothing at all. I mean nothing. So, this sadist specializing in Endodontics is having his way with me, way down deep in my jaw. He’d been grinding, pulling, drilling, and inserting all kinds of horrible looking instruments (torture devices) in my gotdam mouth for about an hour. The vibrations were tickling my fucking inner ear…on both sides. That is not a good feeling.

Anyway, all of a sudden he and his dark nurse left the room. I’m laying prone in the torture chair, with my mouth jacked open like a gotdam bear at a Taxidermist, and I can hear an impromptu office meeting taking place in the next room. So and so can’t work that day…blah blah blah…give me a fucking break. The dark nurse returns, (30 fucking minutes later) and informs me, “You are a saliva factory, you’ve drooled all over yourself.” What? No fucking shit, I can’t feel a gotdamned thing, and you left me!!! You Mofo’s.

Absolutely disgusting, but it was out of my control.

I’ve had better days.

Rain Sensor II

Today, I retraced the dreadful path I followed on Wednesday. It was a different day, with different circumstances. I left before sunrise, and witnessed a beautiful dawn, no rain, and little traffic. It provided the opportunity to become one with some German engineering. I sustained 130 mph, at one point, for about 60 seconds, with more room to go. What a rush. I don’t know if the trees were blurred, because I never took my eyes off the center stripes, or both hands off the wheel. I do know it only felt like 80. Smooth and tight like glue. I do know that images in my peripheral seemed surreal.

Anyway, I made it back to point A, uphill, much faster than I made it downhill to point B.

This is not something I’d do everyday, but just knowing that you can, is pretty cool.

I must be crazy.

I received my Benjamin 1000 one pumper, and to my surprise, it has fiber optic sights. Very cool. Since I downshifted from a .22 to .177, I had to purchase some pellets. I had no idea that pellets come in more than one flavor, so I bought some, Magnum, Super Point, Wad Cutter, and Hollow Point. Hollow Point .177 pellets, damn.

The tree line in my back yard is about 50 yards from my kitchen, so I sighted this bad puppy at that distance. I was impressed; it only took a few shots.

After I had it dialed in, I raided my wife’s clay pot stash, and had some real fun. You would not believe the damage a .177 hollow point will do to a flowerpot from 50 yards. All pellets went straight through both sides, but the hollow point blew the whole back of the pot away. The squirrels don’t stand a chance.

Since I’m shooting from inside, and the trees obscure my sight from any one point, I’ve set up four kill zones. One is from the kitchen, one from the den, one from a bathroom, and one from a bedroom. I have become a sniper.

Anyway, I’ve got a bunch of flowerpots to replace, but damn, that was fun.

My wife and I are serious about our garden.

I’m sick and tired of hearing accusations that U.S. troops acted irresponsibly when they killed Italian intelligence officer Nicola Calipari, and wounded Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena, last Friday. When they were signaled to stop, they should’ve complied. This is a war; they were traveling down the most dangerous road in Iraq, the U.S. was unaware of this “Italian Operation”, and they disobeyed an order to halt. What else could our troops do? Whip out some coffee and donuts? Would you like a map?

Keep in mind; Sgrena is a fierce opponent of the war and a frequent critic of U.S. policy who works for the communist newspaper Il Manifesto. She is behind the accusations. Go figure.

It gets better. Italian Foreign Minister Gianfranco Fini told his government Tuesday that the car was not speeding and was not ordered to stop by U.S. troops at a checkpoint. What? Would someone please tell me how he would know the car wasn’t speeding, and our troops did not order the car to stop? Radar detectors and real time satellite reconnaissance, I suspect. We stop everyone at a checkpoint. Max Smart must have trained Italian intelligence officer Nicola Calipari.

What a dumbass. What was he thinking? “Oh, it’s just a U.S. checkpoint manned by U.S. soldiers armed to the teeth, just floor it, we’ll be fine.”

Well he’s not fine; his ass is dead.

The kids next door, and one of their playmates, were outside playing with my puppy Stretch this afternoon, when the friend asked, “Why do they call him Stretch?” The youngest one, a cutie pie little girl, replied, “Because that’s his name.”

Don’t you love it?

I wish I could take credit for this, but I can’t. At least, I say I can’t…and I’ll go to my grave sticking by that story.

Many years ago, a good friend of mine moved to Boston. Obviously, moving from the South, to Boston, was guaranteed to be traumatic. And it was, but that’s another story.

He had an old Southern home with an extraordinary upstairs bathroom that had a tub with feet, and a sink with one leg, which had a foot with toes. The hot and cold faucet controls were left and right hands. It was, without a doubt, the most interesting bathroom I’d ever used. We did some crazy things in there. I mean, come on, a sink with hands, and a leg and toes. The girls use to paint ‘em foo foo colors…the fingers and toes that is. We even put a cast on that leg one night, and we all signed it. Sick, don’t you think.

My friend had already moved, so we decided to break on in to the other side and, basically, pinch the sink, and ship it to him. It seemed like a good idea at the time. The house was locked, but we had a key. We entered through the back door. Duh!

The next thing I knew, we were upstairs in the bathroom, with flashlights beaming, laughing our asses off, and yanking that damn sink out. I’ll admit I’d never stolen a sink before.

We now have a freestanding sink, but never thought about how to get it down the stairs. No problem…all we need is a 4X4 piece of plywood, and we’ll be good to go. I’m not going to tell you where we got that, but suffice to say, we had to break out the toolbox.

We’re standing at the top of the stairs, doing the math, and dumbass me volunteered to “ride it down”. Stupid.

The plan was: for me to sit in the sink, hold the ropes that we’d attached to everything, and guide it as I was being lowered to the first floor by my faithful buddies.

Break: This damn sink weighed about a thousand pounds.

So: My ass is in the sink…they move me to the top stair…and shit happens.

They: Let go of the lines.

Next: My young ass is riding the sink down the damn stairs, and it only took a couple of seconds before I was unconscious, I think.

Me and the Sink: Crashed through the front door, which was closed and locked with a deadbolt, breaking all the windows and glass panes, and down five steps into the front yard. Man…that hurt.

Next: I was cut and bruised, laying in the damn front yard with a sink, while my friends were laughing so hard they couldn’t come to my aid. Damn!

Anyone ever done that before?

My wife has been out of town since Saturday, so I've been hanging with my 12 lb. puppy. Last night, I was horizontal on the couch with Stretch curled in the rollipolli position on my stomach. I decided to go to bed, and I just didn't have the heart to wake the little monster fella, so I scooped him up and plopped him in the bed. He never moved.

I'm deep dreaming.

At four am., he decides to practice his version of the "atomic drop" on my face. Scared the shit out of me, and it hurt like hell. I was reaching for the survival tool when I realized what happened. It felt like someone dropped a ten pound barbell on my nose.

He is one lucky dog, but we gotta have a talk.

Acidman has his...I have mine.

1. I would have a smaller dick. Too much banana frightens the ladies.

2. I, like most of us, could use some more cash…I’m talking some real folding money. I’m talking “drop dead money”.

3. I would require the ability to make myself invisible and bulletproof. Now, I can only do that when I’m drunk.

I swear on everything I hold true, my neighbor's wife belongs to the Stepford Clan. She has that "I You can see through your my skull daze".

I kid you not.

Too strange!!!

Damn, you're shootin' my trophy.

Needing rehab is an understatement.

I would say this would be THE CHURCH OF THE POISON MIND, except a British Queer beat me to the punch.

Shit, I didn't just say that, did I?

Anyway, I did get dressed up before I posted this, but I'm also, a big, fat, sinner.

This is interesting.

Hat tip to The Kommentariat

St. Augustine, July 4th, 1976, Nighttime

We were on the 3rd floor balcony of an apartment overlooking the Matanzas River between the Bridge of Lions and the Castillo de San Marcos, drinking heavily, watching the flotilla, and shooting three foot bottle rockets. I was the head aimer. It was my job to ensure the launch trajectory was high enough to clear the crowd and the ships as they sailed by. We had about a hundred of these rockets, and after a few shots, I had my launcher rig dialed in. �DO NOT touch my rig�, I told everyone. �It�s perfect�

I went inside to get another beverage, and when I returned, some dumb ass was whooieing with my launcher. I told him to back off, and started to check the angle. It looked good to me, even though I was probably seeing two of �em; I don�t remember. Worst case, I�d have to make a minor adjustment. Wrong.

I slid another rocket down the tube, and lit her up. Well, that damn rocket went about 50 feet, and then did a downward sideways loop right into the crowd. It hit some guy right in the neck, and exploded. Ka Bam. He was down like a sack of potatoes.

Well, we all broke for the back door, and ran full tilt to the St. George Tavern a few blocks away, and continued our evening.

Later, we heard from a guy, who knew a guy, who knew another guy, who knew the paramedic on the scene. The guy who took the bottle rocket to the neck was OK, just some burns and bruising, and his equilibrium was whacked out for a while, but he made a full recovery.

To this day, I cannot believe we got away with that one.

...and Toys...

I’m doing a loop through Virginia, and I’ve been hanging with some people who are familiar with a certain “band” that was born here. They have done well.

Anyway, the drummer just built himself a 25,000 sq. ft. house. Good for him.

What I want to talk about is the basement. The Basement.

Full size pool, Game room, Pool room Hall, Spa / Weight room, etc., Movie theater, Bar – as in Irish Pub, and, get this…

A real 747-flight simulator.

My friend asked me: Do you think he’s Al Qaeda?

What a dumb ass question.

I was born on the wrong other side of the tracks.

One thing is for certain; you have no say where you’re born. Boy or girl, black or white…you have no control. You are what you are. You would do well to remember that.

I know some people who believe they were born superior. They truly believe that destiny heritage allows them to treat people like shit. They believe, since they inherited a fortune from daddy, that they earned it. They believe they are better than me others. This makes me sick.

I know a lot of unhappy wealthy people.

Fuck ‘em.

I’m just saying.

Me, I come from the other side of the ditch.

For all you assholes from the other side of the tracks:

You can Kiss My Ass!!!

I'm telling you: The BLOGGER comment sign is system SUCKS!!! It does not remember my password from day to day.

Anyone using BLOGGER, should migrate to something anything else. That dog won't hunt.

I'll be back in a few days.

Have you ever burned your calf or ankle on a motorcycle exhaust pipe? I have, many times, but that’s nothing compared to what happened to my nuts as I escaped from a burning building. Trust me, it’s worse than the pipe burn.

I made oversized trousers popular way before the brothers did.

I’m just sayin’

Even though I've said "He Ain't Right", no one deserves to have their ass kicked, especially like this.

I appeal to everyone: Go here - Best Humor Blog and help him out. If not for him, do it for the Mutant

This Guy Ain't Right.

Dammit, that's why you need to go here and vote for VELOCIMAN.

Vote early, and vote often.

My wife is a “Daughter of the Mayflower”

I am a “Son of the Revolution”

A few years ago, we flew to DC and met some friends for a long weekend of doing the tourist thing. It was October, and the fall foliage was perfect. Everyday was cool, crisp, and windy, with clear blue skies. We didn’t rent a car; we took a million dollar cab ride from Dulles to a hotel next door to the National Air and Space Museum. Home base. We did the Zoo, all the museums, all the monuments, the Capital, etc., and even managed to get over to Annapolis for a day. We ate like kings. We drank like the riff-raff we are. We had a great time.

Anyway, my wife hadn’t been to DC since she was a little girl child, and when we were inside the rotunda in the Capital, she said it looked different. Said she remembered something in the middle. After she called her mother, it was confirmed that something was in fact, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Lying in State.

We were in the National Museum of American History, when she started screaming. I thought she was being mugged, and immediately broke for her. Well, she wasn’t under attack, but she was looking at a Three-Cornered Hat worn by Colonel Jonathon “Her Maiden Name” of the Connecticut Militia during the Revolutionary War. How cool is that? He was her great…great…great…great…great…whatever Grandfather. Her family didn’t know it was part of the Smithsonian Institution Collection, much less on display.

Small World.

"I got you in the jelly roll!"

I'd be laughing too.

My wife and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary yesterday, and something very weird happened.

After I’d prepared Eggplant Parmesan, I noticed Elvis was on the stove. This photograph of the “wooden spoon towel” proves it.

I’m putting this one on E-Bay for 50 grand.

I’ll cut you a deal if use this post as a coupon.

...from my wife.

I asked, "Baby, do we have the Apollo XIII DVD?"

She replied: "If we don't, we might not."

What????

I absolutely 100% believe this story.

And this story is absolutely 100% true.

Key, while y’all were drinking “Burns Blue Beads Clear”, this is me and my good friend the Silk Glider, whom I’ve known since I was five years of age. I’m on the right, or left, depending on where you’re standing. Same holds true for him. We’ve had many years of memories, some good, and some bad, and I’ve got to say, ”there ain’t nothing like friends.”

I think we had a good time.

KEYword is "think"

This afternoon I took my puppy for a long walk. A week ago tomorrow, I had him de-nutted, and I feel bad about it. He is such a unique color, I probably should have passed his genes along, but I hope he’s too young to know the difference.

He seems to be healing up just fine, considering I took all his pain pills due to my “right side rib problem” I posted about before; but he needed some exercise.

Anyway, a dog 10 times his size (with some dizzy bitch owner) approaches and she doesn’t have her mutt dog choked down. The dog lunges and snaps at my puppy, and I kicked the shit out of it. I kicked that fucker with all the force I would use for an 80-yard field goal.

She was pissed, and so was her dog.

Stretch, and me, well, we bonded.

ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS.

I vote for number 8. I've heard many stupid messages, but the refrigerator is a 1st.

And I thought I'd seen it all.

Check out the The ZellMillernator V2.0

Just Damn!

...Thus, began our descent to hell...

...this is too bad, or too good...depending on how you look at it.

She doesn't believe it. I'm not sure I do either, but you've got to make up your own mind. Have at it!

I was living in Marietta at the time. I’d been hearing peculiar sounds (pitter patter click click) in the early morning hours, for weeks; I knew what was causing them. The traps weren’t working…

I had to do something…Radical…

My sister in law and her daughter were in town. A, the daughter, was sleeping on the couch in the living room.

3:00 am., I hear screaming…women screaming…my wife screaming.

I bolt from bed, throw some shorts on, and head for the noise,

My wife is standing on a chair…her sister is telling her daughter to stay put, and a huge ass mouse rat is frozen in the light, in the kitchen. Not moving.

The women are panicked…no, not panicked…I should say excited.

I tell her (the sister in law) to get my pellet gun…it’s behind the chest-of-drawers in my bedroom. She brings back the BB gun…I say NO, wrong gun…I need the other one…She says DAMN!, and fetches the right one.

Meanwhile, the mouse rat is still frozen…my wife is still on the chair, and her niece is still on the couch.

I insert a .177 pellet, pump it 8 times, and pop that fucker from about 17 feet…Didn’t kill him though…it was flopping like a fish out of water…blood spewing all over the place…my wife is screaming “shoot it again”….Now, do you know how hard it is to hit a mortally wounded flopping rat mouse, with a pellet gun? Pretty damn hard.

Anyway, my aim was true…and the second shot put it down for good.

It was a mess to clean up, though.

I’m now known, in a small circle, as the Great White Hunter!!!

Everybody is doing it.

If it's bold, Ive done it.

Here goes.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said ˜I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Rode on a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Rode a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

Holy Shit!

Whoever invented the loom in ancient times must have been a radical bastard...

I have no idea what to say...you've got to read it yourself.

This grew overnight.

Click to enlarge.

I hate fences, always have, and always will. I believe in the “free range” approach; keep nothing in, and keep nothing out. Of course, I’m talking about dogs in suburbia, and not IslamoFascists in Israel.

My puppy Stretch, since his nuts have dropped, feels the need, the need to roam…if you know what I mean.

I have three choices:

1. Barrier fence
2. Electric fence
3. House Dog.

So, since I could never put a “shock collar” on my dog, and I don’t want a “house dog”; I’m destined to fence in his world.

Of course, I expect as soon as I do, he’ll dig under and out in less than a day.

He is resourceful.

Oh well!

AN AIR FORCE RESERVE UNIT HURRICANE HUNTER AIRCRAFT MEASURED A MINIMUM CENTRAL PRESSURE OF 910 MB...26.87 INCHES. THIS IS THE SIXTH LOWEST CENTRAL PRESSURE ON RECORD FOR A HURRICANE IN THE ATLANTIC BASIN.

COASTAL STORM SURGE FLOODING OF 20 TO 25 FEET...LOCALLY HIGHER... ABOVE NORMAL TIDE LEVELS...ALONG WITH LARGE AND DANGEROUS BATTERING WAVES...CAN BE EXPECTED NEAR AND TO THE EAST OF WHERE THE CENTER MAKES LANDFALL

The best candidate yet for a contact by intelligent aliens.

This is interesting.

My Wife's Birthday is in a few days, and as usual, I've ordered a couple of gifts online. The delivery truck arrives yesterday, and the driver gives the package (present #1) to my wife.

Same thing happened today with present #2.

Although she doesn't know what's inside; it eliminates the surprise factor.

I do this all the time, and have never been found out.

This time my friends....three will have to be the charm. I'll be wearing a ski mask when making my next purchase.

Check out THIS LAND

Link via Andrew.

I've posted about blogging before; specifically about the possibility of developing frindships with people you've never met.

It can happen. It has for me.

Mrs. Du Toit sums it up better than I possibly can.

Read it here.

Key gave me the key to her place while she's doing a little beach time, and asked me to check in. When I arrived, well...it was just strange. Crazy stuff going on...everything seems to be out of place. The refrigerator was in the laundry room, the washer and dryer were in the back yard (full of some, well never mind), her bed was in the kitchen suspended by jumper cables, and every lamp had a neon bulb.

I'm not sure, but I think this guy and this guy are on the loose.

...from Saudi Arabia to Save Yourself

Bwahhahaha!

Did you realize that our (The United States) extradition treaty with Mexico permits the Mexican government not to surrender suspected murderers wanted in the U.S. unless U.S. prosecutors waive the death penalty.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

So, commit a crime in the U.S. that carries the death penalty, flee to Mexico, and you’re good to go.

I can be wherever I need to be when the OP Artic Bare arrives.

I'll take a full clip. Half and half.

Please advise.

Local newspaper editor Menhardt Buzasa said there had been an increase in the number of signs being stolen...

Shamelessly ripped from Geoffrey.

For the benefit of the rest of the world, in 1986 the UK saw its most violent storm for over 350 years. Wind speeds in some parts exceeded 90 mph and an incredible amounts of damage were done to property and people up and down the UK.
This story made several of the Kent newspapers at the time and - like most sane, rational beings I too found it dificult to believe - but it is absolutely true.

In Margate in the county of Kent, there are many tall Poplar trees and it's not uncommon for residents in the more rural areas to be surrounded by woods and spinnys. During the 1986 storm, an estimated 1 billion trees were lost - uprooted - by the gales. One hapless resident of Margate owned a house that bordered a small wood on the edge of which were 3 massive Poplars. The wind had felled 1 - which had come to rest across his back garden - while the other 2 had managed to resist the winds but had bent over just far enough to lodge their tops under the soffat of this guy's roof.

The foliage of the bent trees was obscuring almost 100% of the light which would have entered his upstairs bedroom windows. Now, this chap did not own a chainsaw nor could he reach the trunks of the trees which were several yards beyond his reach - even when leaning out of the window.

Undeterred by these frustrations and apparently unfettered by common-sense, he decided to find the base of the first tree, shin up the trunk from its location on the edge of the wood and (you can see it coming can't you?!!!) saw the top off while sitting astride the trunk with his feet wedged against his roof gutter.

After almost 20 minutes of sawing, the tree - which experts estimate held the energy equivalent to small field gun - broke away from the part he was sawing off and sprang back upright.

His body was found in a neighbour's garden over 1 mile away and had suffered massive trauma. The police surgeon stated that his neck probably broke during the whiplash and he would therefore have known nothing of the impact with the ground.

Via: The Darwin Awards

...or Water is like Concrete.

Seven Mile Bridge was originally built between 1908-1912 as a railroad bridge. It was part of Henry Flagler's Overseas Railroad between Miami and Key West. In 1935 a hurricane damaged the rail line beyond repair. The government took over the line and converted to roadway (US 1.) The old Seven Mile Bridge (the one on the right) closed permanently in 1980. In 1982 the new bridge opened.

I jumped off it, and busted my ass. So did my buddy.

It seemed like forever from the time I jumped, until the time I hit...I was tilting to the left in mid-flight, my arms flapping like a bird, and landed bad. The next thing I remember, I was under water, could not breathe, my side was killing me...and I thought I was going to die.

If it hadn’t been for the good Samaritans in a boat…I’d probably be dead.

It's amazing the courage that accompanies about fifteen beers.

Just in case you were wondering:

Every year whose number is divisible by four without a remainder is a leap year, excepting the full centuries, which, to be leap years, must be divisible by 400 without a remainder. If not so divisible they are common years. 1900, therefore, is not a leap year.

This is good. Link via Kim du Toit.

New weapon can shoot around corners

Small Dogs, eh? Who's side is he on?

From Laura Ingraham.

BIDEN'S "BIG DOGS" TO THE RESCUE?

On NBC, reacting to the news of Saddam's capture, Deleware Senator Joe Biden made one of the oddest comments of the day. "We (may) actually really internationalize this, bring NATO in, bring the big dogs in, so to speak, and not have any need to add more American troops," he told Tom Brokaw. Is he saying the Big Dogs are the blue helmets? The UN high-tailed it out of Iraq after its compound was hit. So I guess that means the "small dogs" were the ones who actually caught Saddam?

A friend and I sublet a nice crib from a prominent university professor in a prominent Southern city, for a summer. He summered in London. This was the Catdaddy - top floor with a view of downtown. I guess you would call it the Penthouse, although the elevator didn't open in the living room.

We had some good times. Damn good times!

After a couple of months, we were asked to leave. No problem, we were always on 10, we had it coming.

We had a 20-pound chunk of Deer in the freezer. I hate deer, that’s why it was still in the freezer.

So…

We took that slab of deer, removed the top panels on the roof of the elevator, climbed up and secured it. Bolted everything down, and broke for cover.

This was is August, and it had to be 187 degrees inside the elevator shaft.

Obviously, you can guess the rest. The elevator went from LL to the Top all day long, for days, and basically fumigated the whole building.

Damn – I think we got ‘em. We did a recon about a week later, and felt guilty.

Not Really!!!!!

I finally determined the cause of my typo problems.

1. No glasses

2. Not enough light

3. Age

Oh well! I wish it was "too many or too much" of anything else.

Anyone seen the moon lately?

I must have a telescope! Preferably one I can connect to a Linux box.

It reminds me of watching, with my naked eye's, the Hale-Boop comet gliding through the sky and over the horizon. Amazing!

I've got to get a closer look.

Having surgery on your feet so you can fit into the latest fashion shoes (AKA stilettos) by some asshats named Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos.

Manolo and his buddy Jimmy know what they can choo on.

Excerpt:

"It's a scary trend,"

Scary trend?

Fact: If my wife didn't wear shoes, you couldn't even tell she has feet!

Some law firm just did a Yahoo search for "pro's for illegal immigration" and hit my site. I hope they read THIS.

...or should I say "bedtime at the beach"? Yeap, and I'm talking am. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Well, as you can see, we had a long Thanksgiving day. 4:30 am., damn - at least we made it to bed before the birds started chirping. I hate it when that happens.

Hell, to hang with my friends requires training.

This trip was like an 80 yard field goal!

I'm telling you, "we always have a good time".

In grammar school, my teacher gave me an assignment. She wanted me to explain “moral”.

Oh shit – Well, my uncle Ted was flying over Viet Nam and all he had with him was a .50 caliber machine gun with 50 rounds of ammunition, a bayonet, and a case of beer. He was hit by a SAM (I was named after it) and had to bail out.

On the way down – he drank the beer.

When he landed, 150 enemy soldiers surrounded him. He killed the first 50 with his gun, and when he ran out of ammo, he gutted another 50 with his bayonet. When the bayonet broke, he killed the rest with his bare hands.

My teacher asked, “what could possibly be the moral of this story?”

I said: “Don’t Fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been Drinking”

This is a joke!

Reboot Boy is a guy who works in a typical office. He supports "end users", not with application support, but with Microsoft Windows operating system problems. All he does all day long is say, "Reboot". Application support requires a real technical person to get involved. Then, the real technical person calls Reboot Boy for yet another technical assessment - which always requires another Reboot.

I must be missing something - these people spend more time rebooting than working.

I have a dedicated Linux box I use for a firewall - I've booted it once in the last 10 months, and that is because I lost power. My goal was a year. Missed it by no fault of the operating system.

The damn thing is like the Energizer Bunny - it just keeps going and going and going.

You can't do that with Windows.

I've been asked - Why is Brier not Briar?

Well, I like e's more than a's.

Brier - Anything sharp or unpleasant to the feelings

Patch - A piece of anything used to repair a breach

Brierpatch - A tangled mass of prickly matter

So there you have it!